Two solicitors were in partnership and ran a busy, thriving, practice. Indeed, they were so busy that they rarely had time even to say hello to each other as they passed in the corridor. They decided that they should schedule lunch together in order to catch up.
As they both sat down and unfurled their menus, one of the partners suddenly jumped up saying "I have to leave immediately!". The other partner looked him in the eye and said "whatever for?". "I left the safe open back in my office" said the first partner. The other partner shrugged and looked back at his menu. "What are you bothered about? We're both here."
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Three engineers and three lawyers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet compartment and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the Ticket Inspector comes around. He knocks on the toilet door and says "Ticket, please".
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The Ticket Inspector takes the ticket and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see", answers an engineer.
When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a toilet compartment and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves their toilet compartment and walks to the compartment where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says "Ticket, please."
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet compartment and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the Ticket Inspector comes around. He knocks on the toilet door and says "Ticket, please".
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The Ticket Inspector takes the ticket and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see", answers an engineer.
When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a toilet compartment and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves their toilet compartment and walks to the compartment where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says "Ticket, please."
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A policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he had stopped for speeding wound down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day" said the bobby. The boy racer replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could". When the policeman stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket!
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A lorry driver was driving along the A450 from Stourbridge to Hartlebury when he saw a sign ahead warning of a low bridge. Before he realised it, the bridge was directly a head and, like so many before him, he was stuck under it. the traffic was backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes along and the policeman gets out and says to the lorry driver "Got stuck, eh?!" "No" the lorry driver said, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel!"
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A partner is discussing the firm's ethics policy with his young manager. He says, "We take ethics very seriously here. Remember, we are professionals, not businessmen."
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The young manager is impressed. The partner elaborates "yesterday I received a cheque from a client. They paid £2,500 more than our bill. Immediately an ethics question arose: Should I tell my partners?"
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So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell.
Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces. The engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered as he wanted a challenge) and before long it was up and running again.
This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers . . . you name it.
Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss' wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these improvements reached Heaven.
God was pretty upset about all this, and he had St. Peter look into the details. It turned out it had been down to a computer error that the engineer had ended up in hell; he had been destined for one of the mid levels of Heaven. So God called Satan up and told him he wanted the engineer back.
"Nothing doing," said Satan, "You sent him down here, and we're keeping him!"
"What?" sputtered God, "You get him up here right now! That's a direct Order!"
"Listen pal, I don't take orders from you any more. Remember that 'rule in hell' agreement?"
God was beside himself. "If you don't send that engineer up here right now, I'll . . . I'll sue you!"
"Oh, sure!" Satan shot back gleefully. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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An architect, an artist and a lawyer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed spending time with his wife building a firm foundation for their relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and the mystery he found there.
The lawyer said "I like both".
"Both?" said the other two.
"Yes" said the lawyer. "If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are with the other and you can go to the office and get some work done."
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So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell.
Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces. The engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered as he wanted a challenge) and before long it was up and running again.
This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers . . . you name it.
Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss' wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these improvements reached Heaven.
God was pretty upset about all this, and he had St. Peter look into the details. It turned out it had been down to a computer error that the engineer had ended up in hell; he had been destined for one of the mid levels of Heaven. So God called Satan up and told him he wanted the engineer back.
"Nothing doing," said Satan, "You sent him down here, and we're keeping him!"
"What?" sputtered God, "You get him up here right now! That's a direct Order!"
"Listen pal, I don't take orders from you any more. Remember that 'rule in hell' agreement?"
God was beside himself. "If you don't send that engineer up here right now, I'll . . . I'll sue you!"
"Oh, sure!" Satan shot back gleefully. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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An architect, an artist and a lawyer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed spending time with his wife building a firm foundation for their relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and the mystery he found there.
The lawyer said "I like both".
"Both?" said the other two.
"Yes" said the lawyer. "If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are with the other and you can go to the office and get some work done."
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There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
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A trainee solicitor joined the headquarters of a large, well know, law firm.
On his first day, feeling that he had rather "arrived", he picked up the 'phone and dialled the canteen and shouted into the 'phone "get me some coffee, quick"!
A voice on the other end of the 'phone responded "you fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Partner, you fool"! The voice shouted back.
The trainee did some quick thinking and asked forcefully, "And do you know who YOU are speaking to, you fool?"
"No" replied the managing Partner.
"Good" said the trainee - and hung up.
On his first day, feeling that he had rather "arrived", he picked up the 'phone and dialled the canteen and shouted into the 'phone "get me some coffee, quick"!
A voice on the other end of the 'phone responded "you fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Partner, you fool"! The voice shouted back.
The trainee did some quick thinking and asked forcefully, "And do you know who YOU are speaking to, you fool?"
"No" replied the managing Partner.
"Good" said the trainee - and hung up.
